Hum and I drove to see our dad’s, grandpas, and brothers today for Fathers Day. We packed in our little pick-up truck to make the hour drive to have family dinner and delivery treats and hugs to all. Once again (surprise, surprise), this holiday wasn’t an easy one. On the drive home I looked at my mini dog traveling at my side and thought, “I’m feeling tired of you”. When we got Albus about a year and a half ago he filled a little empty hole in my heart. Maybe I underestimated the size of the hole, or perhaps it’s grown in size and shape since that time. Regardless, his little warm soft body couldn’t comfort me today. As I rode in our A/C-less truck while sweat dripped down my back and Albus’ back legs dug into my cramping that-time-of-the-month abdomen, my heart was breaking a little bit. As I handed fathers day gifts to my two older brothers who are having babies within weeks of each other, my heart was breaking a little bit. As I drove home on the freeway trying to read billboards and road signs to busy my mind and keep my eyes from pouring even more, my heart was breaking a little bit. By the time I got home to my also A/C-less house, I could only pull off all of my sweaty clothes and collapse in bed and attempt to let my breaking heart take a nap.
The solution? Perhaps if I just got a car with A/C and fixed the swamp cooler in my house this day would have gone entirely different. Or, perhaps it’s just a really sucky thing and regardless of temperature there will be some heart breaking on a day like today.
Don’t worry, animal fanatics (like the one that called the cop on me two days ago for leaving my dog in the car alone for 15 minutes... ahem), you won’t see cute Albus wandering the streets of my neighborhood tomorrow holding a cardboard sign that reads, “will bark for food” or anything of the sort... although I wouldn’t put it past him. I like him, I’ll keep him, probably until he kicks the metaphorical doggy can. But, if I could trade him for an upgrade (aka. a human), I so would. Yes, I recognize obtaining children doesn’t work like trading pokemon cards ("I’ll trade you my dog for your picachu..."), if only it were so simple. I mastered pokemon pogs in elementary school and I’m certain I could master the art of human swapping. But (wait... back to reality), since human swapping doesn’t exist, I’ll have to settle to remain happy with my semi-unfulfilling animal at my side. Albus has been my side-kick for a while now and I love him, I really do, but... I’m tired of taking an animal to the bathroom that will never be potty trained. I’m tired of filling up a bowl of food for an animal that can’t carry a conversation with me. I’m tired of loving an animal when I don't even know if it will go to heaven with me. I’m tired of loving an animal, I want to love a human instead. I guess I'll keep waiting patiently, sending positive mental vibes towards my woman parts, dealing with the things I have to deal with, and eagerly waiting for the Father's Day when I can shower Hum with the love he deserves for being the amazing father I know he will be.
Happy Father's Day to all you Fathers out there, you lucky little devils, you.
Thanks for sharing such a heartfelt bit of your life. I think these days can be so hard for people for so many reasons, loss, desire, lack of relationships, and so on, but I hope that one year soon you will showering Hum with all of the awesome-dad love you can muster.
ReplyDeleteAmen, amen, and amen.
ReplyDeleteLove you Cait! Sending lots of good vibes to you two! Hey we're synced on that one cramp thing. Looks like we'll have a good girls trip!
ReplyDeleteSending good vibes to your lady parts, too. Love you girl!
ReplyDeleteone thing's for sure...when he/she comes, he/she will be the raddest kid ever. feeling for you cait. i want one too.
ReplyDeletexoxoxo
This almost made me cry! It might have turned out to be a better day if the ac in your truck had been working (my truck doesn't have ac either).
ReplyDeleteWhat a great desire to have, though! Have you ever watch The Secret? Haha, it's ridiculous, but it's on Netflix. "The Secret" is to basically think think think about what you want most... and then it will come true! (haha, like I said...) It's suposed to be some kind of "law of attraction." Worth a shot?? :)
Anyway, in one way or another, your time will come.
:( This broke my heart a little! I know how your feeling, and while driving home from doing our same rounds I just had to muster up telling my other half happy fathers day (though I knew he doesn't feel like a father yet, and I feel slightly guilty that I'm all or most of the reason he isn't) his reply? "Thanks I think we've got some pretty cute kids at home." aka our own poodle and his sister. I had a friend once tell me even without physically having your children yet we are parents. Its true, and for now it looks like a chunk of us have to settle for being parents to fur babies. I am right there with you though I'd trade them in a heartbeat for human babies. Our times will come eventually. But until then I'll send all the good vibes I can to your lady parts!
ReplyDeleteI'm kind of in the same boat, my dear. I'm taking it as a sign that God is trying to teach me something and maybe this is the only way he can get my attention. And maybe the very thing he's trying to teach me is patience! Who knows? What I do know is that it sucks. Big time. Thank you for writing (so beautifully, I might add) about it and sharing your heart with us. :)
ReplyDeleteI went through my own baby-wait and I think the worst part is not knowing when the wait will end. If you knew it would work out in 4 months (or 4 years), you'd at least know how to deal and plan until then. No matter what anybody says about learning lessons and becoming stronger, waiting still sucks and sometimes it hurts.
ReplyDeleteI recently watched Neil Gaiman's commencement speech where he recommends that in face of anything awful, an artist should "make good art." You don't know me and it doesn't matter what I think, but thanks, I guess, for being an excellent example of that advice. I bought your 'it's not fair' print because it spoke to my own experience and reminded me to keep looking up.
Good luck in the wait. It doesn't last forever.
Love you Cait!
ReplyDeleteon the flip side, you lucky rascals...i bet the moment you find joy in not having a baby, you'll be knocked up. oh the freedoms you have and don't even know it. loves & hugs!! can't wait for you to be in the know and fondly remembering the good ol' days when you could fondle in the car on a drive home without hearing "gross, stop that" from the back seat.
ReplyDeletePraying for you Cait.
ReplyDeleteI guess in all your art and comments about "people" that were struggling with infertility I missed the post about you being part of that struggle. I'm sorry cute girl. We waited for a bit for one of ours. Not long, but long enough that I was nervous we had lost our magical powers of just looking at each other and becoming pregnant. Looking back on that time I can see how it would have been catastrophic if I had gotten pregnant any sooner than I did. Ron ended up losing his job and that was when we moved to St. George. I know it's another cliche, but I hope that is what happens for you. That you look back and see tender mercies in the timeline. I'm also going through another thing with turning 40 this winter and making the appointment to officially get "fixed." I'm mourning the passing of that baby making time that came and went way too fast. btw, we are all moved in to the "new" place, but no wall space until we build again. We are crammed into a house half the size of the last one. Please don't give up thinking about my paining I will one day pay you to create for me? I still think about it all the time. I love you guys and can't wait to hear awesome Fictionist tunes on the big label. Not that it will be any better that way, but I will just be so happy to see them get some great attention.
ReplyDeleteI noticed someone mentioned 'The Secret' and I just had to say...thinking and thinking about what you want isn't the law of attraction, that mainly makes ppl anxious. (which according to the LOA would attract more anxiety). I think you are on the right track. Trying your best to stay positive and do things that you enjoy, while trusting in your heart that someday you will get what you want. I believe you will. Chin up!
ReplyDeleteIt's not fair...sending love and sharing a few tears.
ReplyDeletei hear ya. i had some of those same thoughts this father's day, while i cuddled with my puppy. prayers and thoughts your way dear :) hang in there. it's all you can do.
ReplyDeleteSuch a sweet & honest post Cait. I'm so, so sorry you are feeling sad. Wish there was something I could do. Sending good vibes your way. Love you.
ReplyDeleteMy heart hurt when I read this post. I may not be on the same train, but I definitely understand how desperately heartbreaking waiting for a dream to come true can be. I suppose it's finding the beauty in the waiting that's the key -- still working on that one though. I'm sending good vibes your way (especially to those stubborn lady parts).
ReplyDeleteRemember that time at a nameless restaurant when I was so so sick and finally letting it get to me? I cried, you reached across the table and held my hands, and we cried together. That is one of many reasons why you are my best friend, and it is also one of many reasons why I KNOW that someday you will be an incredible mother. Love you so much.
ReplyDeleteI felt like you for years. The feeling can be so deep and so heartbreaking. Part of the problem is that you feel like you're missing out on something. In fact, I felt like that off and on for years because I didn't get married until I was almost 28. In Mormon years, that's OLD! :) I guess I realized through it all that life goes on and I am VERY happy with the way my life has turned out. It sounds like you also have a very fulfilling life too. Enjoy those things you do have, even though the waiting and wishing is hard. Continue to persue your dreams and goals! :)
ReplyDeleteP.S. I wrote a blog post about this same topic a while back called "The Mom Club" if you're interested in reading my thoughts on the matter. http://sarahearussell.blogspot.com/2012/01/mom-club.html
What a post, Hue. So different than what you usually write. It's all in God's time.
ReplyDeleteThis is so honest and vulnerable, and I appreciate it. I'm so sorry life and your woman parts are being mean to you. I pray things will all come together soon. You're going to be one heck of an incredible mom.
ReplyDeleteI just sent some really good vibes to your lady parts. Like, immaculate conception kind of good vibes.
ReplyDeleteI'm still in high school, and as we watched 'the miracle of life' in my health class today, I was wondering if this would be in my future. I hope you can have some un-furry children soon. I am praying for you!
ReplyDeleteThis was incredibly beautifully written. I'm thinking of your woman parts (in a totally non creepy way) and hoping you have a little human to love very soon. xxx
ReplyDelete