I did a real good doodle yesterday. I was thinking about mothers day just around the corner, so I doodled about that. This mothers day is a little interesting for me. I think it is the first mothers day I can say I might feel a little - empty.
I've been waiting for a while, waiting very patiently, to become a mother myself. I thought it might happen a few years ago when I stopped popping pills (the hormonal kind), but (obviously) it hasn't. I'm a very optimistic and faith-filled person so I usually just wait for things to fall in place, and honestly... they usually do... in time.
I can't say it's caused me all kinds of grief, because it hasn't. I've seen a lot of people suffer in this way and on a scale of 1 to ultimate grief, I would say I'm a mild in-betweener. I am one part anxious and one part scared out of my pants for it to happen. I don't think I'm the typical baby-hungry kind of person, in fact, I'm hardly baby hungry at all. I think I am mostly family-hungry. I am eager to take my kids camping, to teach them how to draw, to make cookies with them late at night, and to widen the love circle I share with my sweetheart. If I could just pop kids out at the age of 10 I think that would be most ideal. Too bad mother nature doesn't work that way, right?
On a whole, motherhood frightens me. I look at babies and I don't know what to do with them, I think about the time-suck little kids can be and I say to myself "I will never survive", I watch young mothers devote everything they have to their children and I think I could never do the same. But for some crazy reason, I still want it - and - I hope I will be okay at it.
I loved this sketch I created and it captured how I have been feeling lately. I wrote in at the bottom, "I've been waiting for you, and you've been waiting for me, too". I hope whenever I get lucky enough to experience motherhood I will be ready and I will do good job, just like that little crying ball of person (aka. baby) deserves.
Thanks for all the support about this sketch via instagram yesterday. I will be selling prints and the original at Beehive Bazaar this weekend! Stop by Thursday, Friday, or Saturday at the Riverwoods Mall. I'll be in and out but my booth will be there the whole time, it won't even take a lunch break, it's that serious about art markets.
>> If you would like a print and you live out of state, just let me know! I'd be happy to list some in my etsy store.
>> Remember my infertility paintings? I like some of them...
>> Wisdom? Thoughts? Are you in limbo, too? Enlighten me.
I work with infertility alot (as a therapist) and I also work with adoption. It's a beautiful option if you ever want to consider it, you just have to be ready for it.
ReplyDeletelove it. and love you mucho mucho.
ReplyDeleteBeautiful sketch. I'm here to help (that is, if you want it. sometimes, it's hard to tell).
ReplyDeleteAlthough I am MUCH older than you, I am still in limbo about babies. We tried once, and then we lost the baby. Now... I don't know... I am almost 38! I have lived soooo many years without a baby. Sometimes I think I am too old now. And at other times, that God will provide in His own way what is right for me. (I am sure you two will be great parents :)
ReplyDeleteThat's a beautiful sketch Cait! You will be an amazing mom one day. Love you!
ReplyDeleteSo beautiful, Caitlin! Waiting is so hard. Swap out "baby" with "husband," and you pretty much summed up stuff I'm dealing with. Waiting in faith for something wonderful really takes a lot of strength, and it's funny to want something SO much... and yet be absolutely terrified at the prospect. Stay strong, lovely lady.
ReplyDelete(And please do add some to your Etsy store? I'll be gone this weekend but would love to get one for a friend who is signing adoption papers today!)
Women usually spend the entire pre-pregnancy/pregnancy worrying about what to do and how to do it but motherhood comes more naturally than you think. When your time comes and you hold your little one for the first time you will know just what to do. You are an awesome lady - funny, talented, and clearly loving. Your kids will be very lucky to have you for a mama.
ReplyDeleteP.S. The sketch is beautiful!
I was the EXACT same way! If you handed me a baby, I didn't have a clue what to do with it, and wasn't even sure that I ever really wanted one of my own! BUT...once you carry that baby....and hold that baby...YOUR BABY...you will just "know" exactly what to do with it and exactly how to love it! That baby will just become your life and everything else will fit around him or her, just naturally. Even art and even music! :) I didn't think once upon a time, that I had a maternal bone in my body, and I ended up having having four beautiful children that I just "knew" how to take care of once they were here. The same will happen for you and I don't doubt that you would be a wonderful mother! The sketch is gorgeous! Please put it in your etsy shop. I would buy one right now! :) Best of luck!
ReplyDeleteI get emotional looking at this sketch. So beautiful! I want it if you do sell out of state.
ReplyDeleteWaiting, patience is so hard. I recently had a discussion with a friend who said: "What is faith with out trust? Nothing." I thought that was such a good point, and applicable in so many of life's situations.
You are awesome, I love your blog and all that you have going on. You are going to be a great mom.
cait - this is beautiful. i'm longing and waiting like you are...but in a bit of a different situation :)
ReplyDeletei can't tell you enough how rad i think you are and how lucky i feel to call you an old friend.
i want a print soon and i also might want to do a little sponsor gig on hue&hum! i'll email you.
xoxo
I spent my whole life as an avowed non baby person. They didn't like me and I had a sort of vague distrust of them.
ReplyDeleteAnd then they handed me MY baby and I became this crazy baby whisperer. Babies LOVE me and I adore them and I am this master swaddler and shusher.
I think when you get a baby someone sprinkles you with magic baby dust because there is no other way I could have had such a complete 180.
Your time will come and, when it does, you will be amazing.
I hear ya, Cait. I just want a family. I love the faith and attitude you have about your life right now. You make we want to improve my "waiting with patience". I'm definitely stocking up on these for all the women in my life. I might just hang one in my house, too-it reminds me of my mother.
ReplyDeletesuch a beautiful sketch and a more beautiful post. my heart goes out to you, be well.
ReplyDeleteI'm with the others here who would love a copy! I'm also going to be out of town this weekend and won't be able to make it to the bazaar. I love this "doodle" :)
ReplyDeleteOh Cait, I love this so so so so much. I am right there with you on that *not-so-patiently waiting* thing. Sigh. I can't wait to buy myself one of these!
ReplyDeleteI hit publish too soon. I wanted to also say that I loved this post. You have a great way with words. The faith you have while waiting is something to be admired. I need to learn to have more faith while I wait on certain blessings!
ReplyDeletesuch a gorgeous picture and a beautiful post!! you are amazing and I'm so happy I can know you!
ReplyDeleteWhat a beautiful post and an even more beautiful sketch. You truly have a gift for expression and I think that every woman who has ever "waited" can identify with you and your work.
ReplyDeleteI have no profound words of advice other than if you can, try to get away for the weekend. We skipped a holiday or two whenever we could and just went somewhere together. It focused my attention back to my relationship with Rob and that was something that I had, right there, that I could control. I think it's okay to do some "self-protection" on tough days.
And I have no doubt in my mind that your little ones will not only be in good hands but they will be completely awesome. You are going to be an outstanding mother. I think the waiting will make you love them all of the more (if that's even possible).
What a beautiful sketch. It's perfect. I imagine myself sitting in that rocking chair with a baby that I've been waiting for. That will be a very wonderful day, for me and for you, when it comes. I hope that you do sell these on etsy sometime.
ReplyDeletethank you for sharing this. i am going through something similar myself and i yearn for the family thing too. i'm trying to be patient but it is hard. that sketch is beautiful and i love what you wrote at the bottom!
ReplyDeleteCaitlin, it is so beautiful, it brings tears. I need a print, so save one for me!
ReplyDeleteWaiting for a baby is the absolute hardest trial for a woman to go though (in my opinion) - it's a physical, spiritual, emotional, and mental trial. Everyone is so different, there are no absolutes, and it feels like the rest of the world is pregnant when you're trying. Brittney and I were talking about this for at least an hour yesterday, and boy - the only appropriate word I can come up with is it's hell.
Good things are coming for you - you have more than earned them.
Thank you so much for your honesty, in this post and on your blog as a whole. I have found myself drawn to your blog more and more lately. You set yourself apart from the most of the pack by having the courage to talk honestly about your (totally universal yet unique) struggles. It's an amazing thing you do, and I hope you know that you are helping me and so many others by sharing your personal story. Thank you!
ReplyDeleteYou struck a chord here (hey-you're supposed to be the hue...har har) :)
ReplyDeleteI haven't had to do much waiting for my babies, but I'm in the total whirlwind time-suck of raising two young ones and your words and this print remind me of what an eternal blessing that is. Sometimes I'm so overwhelmed with the diapers, sippy cups, lost shoes, strewn toys, and complete dependency of young motherhood that I wish for just a day (or an hour...) by myself.
I love the triangle of focus you created with that mother and baby. It reminds me that I am as much totally dependent on them as they are on me. My children have made me who I am now, and that's something to cherish.
Yeah, so. I want one, too.
So I don't really comment on blogs I don't know, but I love following your blog and have to be honest-- I thought you had it all! And while I don't mean that you don't have it all, I just have to say it made me admire you even more because you seem so real.
ReplyDeleteWhat you had to say warmed my heart and I'm glad you can be honest about the way you feel and still see how important having a family is and how much of a blessing it ultimately is.
I am newly married and so many people my age are having children "a little sooner" than they had hoped and I secretly worry that might happen to me. I think I've decided that I don't know if we're ever really ready until it happens. Are our ducks ever in line?
Anyhow, I hope to buy your art someday and see your husbands band come west to Oregon. Thank you for this post!
I know how you feel hon. :( We've been trying for our second child for over a year & a half now, and it can be heartbreaking. Though, I try to come at it like you do, just wait and see, and not get too worked up about it.
ReplyDeleteAnd trust me, when you have a baby, it's a learning experience! I had never ever held (let alone care for!) a baby until I had my son. It's kind of trial and error, and a whole lot of anxiety, but honestly, the amount of love that can pour out for one little person guides you more than any other experience or "learning". You will be a wonderful mother, and I know it will happen when the time is right. :) Big virtual hugs!!!
I love this post and picture. I will be stopping by on Friday, I hope there are some left! Although I am not a mom yet, I think I will buy myself this for Mother's Day!
ReplyDeleteSuch a great post! Hope it all happens in due time, good luck! I have a the same fear because I've been on those gosh darn pills for aprox 4 yrs. hopefully it won't be hard once were ready.
ReplyDeleteI blog stalk you, it's true. I love your art, especially this one. I have also struggled with infertility. It's hard, I won't say it's not. What I do know, for a fact, is that you will be an amazing mother whenever and however it may come.
ReplyDeleteCailtlin, i really hope you'll sell this on Etsy for us out-of-staters. it says so much about longing, and hesitance, and fear. i love it.
ReplyDeleteCait, LOVE YOU!, hope it happens at just the right time, he/she is going to be so cute and so lucky! I secretly hope, Kate, you, and I all have kiddos together next time!
ReplyDeleteOh and I think I felt much the same, wanting it but feeling like I had no idea how to be a good mom to a baby, especially the longer I went, the more I felt like I didn't have time, and sometimes I miss my time, but Hudson is the coolest and I'm sure your kids will be to you too!
ReplyDeleteoh gosh, this is so beautiful, both your work and your words. I too am terrified of the idea of children, I would be so worried all the time that I was doing a terrible job but I think you will be a great Mum and you have nothing to worry about. Teaching them to draw sounds the most fun ever! x
ReplyDeleteGirl, I love reading your blog. Even if I don't always comment know that I am a religious reader.
ReplyDeleteHope to stop by Riverwoods tomorrow and see you at your booth!
That sketch evoked so many emotions and a reaction that I haven't had in a long time to a piece of art. I love what you wrote at the bottom, too. I hate waiting. I always feel that if I just knew how LONG I would have to wait, then I could do so much more patiently. I guess that would kind of defeat the purpose. Here's to taking steps in the dark and walking towards the one that will take us into the light.
ReplyDeleteCaitlin...that was a beautiful post and beautiful sketch. I've always thought you are going to be an AMAZING mom. I sometimes think to myself ....how would Caitlin do this? You have more creativity and Passion in your pinky then I do all together. You''ll be wonderful mother!! Love you!
ReplyDeleteI think I'm going to have to stop by tomorrow and pick up this print. While I have been incredibly blessed in the timing of our baby, I've always felt a kinship to those struggling with infertility.
ReplyDeleteI feel the same way about taking care of babies. I didn't grow up around infants, or even children! I'm so excited to meet my little boy, but I am terrified of holding him for the first time. I hope everyone's right when they say it comes naturally...
Feel it. Love it. You're cool. Ditto all things you said.
ReplyDeleteBeautiful, Caitlin. You touched my heart. May you continue to create and find comfort .
ReplyDeleteSo sorry you are feeling empty. I love how you said you are "family hungry". ... that's so sweet. Babies are scary but wonderful :) You have been waiting so patiently. You & Rob will be such amazing parents - you are totally going to be the cool fun parents and the envy of every kiddo.
ReplyDelete"time-suck" LOL. that would make x3 for me. you'll get yours soon enough. smiles!!
ReplyDeleteI feel the exact same way about babies and motherhood in general. Good luck to us both when the time comes!
ReplyDeleteLove you, Cait. I hope that dream I told you about becomes reality soon!
ReplyDeleteLove you, Cait. I hope that dream I told you about becomes reality soon!
ReplyDeleteHi I live in Texas but really want to purchase this drawing. How do I go about this? You are amazingly talented! My mother would love this. Csummerhays@gmail.com
ReplyDeleteI felt the same thing re babies until I had one. In fact I was not happy when I was pregnant, couldn't fathom becoming a mom and wasa scared to death. I had bad anxiety about it. In fact all I cared about st that time was just getting the baby out, I was so miserable. But the second I saw her everything changed. Now she is 4 and I much, much prefer this age but I still can't wait til we havenournnext.
ReplyDeleteHi Caitlin,
ReplyDeleteI received this sketch (the original!) as a gift from a friend. For 6 years we struggled to become parents. Then we adopted our daughter almost 3 years ago. Then, out of the blue, our son came to us 3 short months ago through an adoption we didn't see coming. But, meeting my son for the first time, I knew he was always meant to be ours. I also spent 3 weeks with him, in the NICU, doing nothing but just holding him in a rocking chair, as your picture depicts. This picture absolutely speaks to me in many ways. I love the sketch. I LOVE it. I love how raw it is, I love the lines, I love the color on the baby. It is beautiful. It is going straight into my son's room forever. Thank you.